


thinkin bout you

by crying_eggs



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Making Out, Minor Character Death, Natural Disasters, Partying, Psychological Trauma, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:55:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26052256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crying_eggs/pseuds/crying_eggs
Summary: my eyes don't shed tears, but boy, they bawl when i'm thinkin' bout you
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yachi Hitoka, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	1. eulogy

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! thank you for your support on my other works, i hope you enjoy this one and give it some love as well :) i hope you all are safe and practicing good hygiene during these difficult times!!

_ Your name was the beginning and the end of something great. Most stories start with once upon a time, or perhaps with a year, but everything’s so blurry now. Time has come to a complete stop, and every movement feels like molasses. Your name was a drug, something a teen would snort at a college party to impress his friends. Adderall wasn’t even worth it, by the way. Saying your name was enough to get me high. _

Yamaguchi sighed, looking at the paper in front of him. He crumpled it up and threw it with the growing mountain in his trash can. Nothing mattered anymore. Ever since it happened, however long ago it happened, there wasn’t a point. Closure? Useless. The young man rubbed at his growing stubble. What was self-care in the first place? Looking good for him? Looking good for himself? He’d cringed in the reflection of his black phone screen. God, he was ugly. He looked...fourty. Maybe he was. Maybe he’d been repeating his cycle for 20 years. 

And so he began the cycle one more time. As always, he ripped out a page of his battered notebook, stared at the lines for a moment, and then began to write. Every page began with the same thing. His name. Tsukishima Kei. As usual, he broke down crying, his tears smearing the blue lines. 

_ No one said that writing a eulogy was supposed to be this difficult.  _


	2. the beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you ruined my life yet made it great

Trash floated in Miyagi’s murky water. The prefecture was hopeless, almost like a slum. Everything was brown and grey ever since the big tsunami happened not too long ago. Right. A month had passed. Back then, life was normal until it wasn’t; Yamaguchi remembered playing with his toy. Singing his song. Walking across a beam with his arms spread to help him balance. He did things that normal seven-year-olds did. But when he looked up, there was silence. 

His ears rang as some adult scooped him up into their arms. He hadn’t seen his parents since. They were most likely dead. Despite his age, he knew. The elderly tried desperately to hide their presumed deaths from him, but he knew. A month later, the boy had gained a new hobby: picking up trash from the river. As he hummed a lullaby his mother used to, a new presence made itself known. Someone he’d never seen before. 

“It’s useless, you know.”

Yamaguchi looked up. A tall, blonde boy with glasses sat on the grass above the river. Surprisingly it was dry and stable. 

“What’s useless?” he asked, continuing to clean. Mud went up to his shins. Grime made way into his toenails, truly an unpleasant feeling. But scooping trash outside of the disaster-stricken river made him happy. 

“Cleaning up the river. You could get sick. Not to mention, there’s just endless piles of trash, so what’s the point?” He looked over at Yamaguchi’s shoes, which had been placed near a tree, along with neatly folded bear socks. He scowled.

“Mm...I’m not really sure what the point is. But it makes me happy, so why not? I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi. Most people just call me Yamaguchi. What’s your name?” In contrast to the blonde, he smiled back at him. “AH!” His amber eyes widened at something in the water.

“Tsukishima Kei. People just call me Tsukishim- What, what-”

“I caught a fish!”

In a hopeless town, a dead town, something was alive in the muddy water. It swam around in Yamaguchi’s cupped hands for a short moment. Tsukishima leaned over the grass patch out of curiosity. When it swam away, he leaned back and continued to frown. “It’s just a fish,” he insisted, “You see them all the time.”

“You’re right.”

“Then why are you so happy? It’s stupid.”

“Because it’s fun to be happy.” The green-haired boy grunted softly as he got out of the water. Mud covered his shins, toes, hands, and forearms. There were even small specks of brown on his lion shirt. “Aw man, she’s not gonna be happy when she sees this.”

“Who?”

“Grandma.”

“Why not your parents?”

“They’re dead because of the tsunami. Maybe they couldn’t swim fast enough.” he casually said, stirring around brown water with his index. Imagine the shit and toxic waste in there. Tsukishima did, and doing so made him cringe. When he snapped out of his thoughts, he finally replied. 

“That sucks,” Tsukishima said. But he wasn’t sorry. He’d never be sorry. Things, in his mind, happened. And all you could do was move forward. Maybe he thought like this because he still lived with his parents and big brother just fine. While the tsunami damaged his house, they could still live in it just fine. Luck just didn’t give a shit about Yamaguchi. 

Two boys sat across from each other on a patch of grass near a river, one covered in mud and had a clear mesh bag full of junk. The other didn’t have a single speck of dirt on him and watched in disgust. Little did they both know that this was the beginning of the beginning. As the sun set, they did nothing but stare at each other, Yamaguchi smiling while Tsukishima frowned. When the sky became hints of orange, red, yellow, blue, and purple, they stood up on their patch of grass. So close yet so far apart. 

“Tsukishima?” Yamaguchi packed up his things, making sure everything was neatly placed in his white mesh bag. The poor rucksack barely managed to stay on his shoulders, its threads tearing at their seams. 

“What, mud boy?”

“Can we be friends?”

No one had ever asked the blonde that. He intimidated others with his height and cynical demeanor. Not cynical, he insisted. Realistic. “Friends?” he repeated, “Why?”

“Why not?” What a stupid rebuttal. Somehow a stupid argument suited him and his naivety. 

“Because I’m mean.” Their eye contact ended. Tsukishima looked up at the sky, examining the stars and how they twinkled in the sky. Just some stars. Nothing too incredible. 

“Why?”

“Because I feel like it. People are dumb.” 

“Oh.”

The blonde expected the green-haired boy to burst into tears. Instead, he tapped at his chin in thought. 

“Can I be your  _ dumb _ friend?”

August 22nd, some year at some time. They established the beginning, something Yamaguchi Tadashi would never forget. It was on replay all of the time, and he was certain that he would do everything the same. 

August 22nd, some year at some time. The last time that Yamaguchi Tadashi was truly happy. In the beginning.


	3. love galore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> don't take it personal

After many years, the two boys had naturally grown up. They’d had their first kisses with other people, first tragedies. Sometimes Yamaguchi would cry on the phone to his best friend, only for the blonde to tell him it didn’t matter. “We all die someday. Imagine how insignificant that is compared to the truth,” he’d say every time. Regardless, he appreciated that he listened to him. Someone kept him grounded. Right. Nothing mattered, including Tsukishima’s first girlfriend.

Like himself, she was a blonde. A petite girl from the trash town known as Miyagi. Up until this point, he didn’t know that his best friend was capable of love. Possibly a cruel statement, even if he never saw them hold hands or kiss. They never did things that couples did. 

Speaking of their little prefecture, some years later they’d recovered from two tsunamis. Following the first one, another one had hit two years later and destroyed all of their progress. Not to mention, Yamaguchi’s grandparents had been crushed under the rubble. When their bodies were recovered, the morgue noted that they’d died with their hands reaching up towards the surface. They were reaching for their grandson.

_ But their grandson never came. _

When he found out, fat tears plopped down his cheeks. He hysterically began to dig through the debris until his fingernails bled and chipped off. As usual, luck didn’t give a shit about Yamaguchi.

“It’s useless,” Tsukishima said, watching him dig for two people that would never come. His family was together. Healthy. Grateful. He peered down at the other boy desperately digging through rock, wood, and cement whilst screaming the names of his loved ones. Of course, no one answered him. They died. Their battered bodies laid still in the morgue, waiting to be claimed.

“No it’s not,” he murmured, examining the red fluid trickling down his fingers. Its iron scent reminded him of simpler times, like when his mother used to patch up his booboos and kiss them better. 

“They’re probabl-”

Yamaguchi jerked his body and screamed in the blonde’s face. Nothing coherent came out of his mouth. Simply a pained noise left the nine-year-old’s lips. Tsukishima’s face remained as stoic as ever.  _ What was it like, to be in that much pain?  _ He thought to himself. Truthfully, he was pathetic in his eyes. Like some sort of animal. 

But there was one thing that couldn’t be ignored: Yamaguchi hadn’t been the same from that day. He died, even if he didn’t realize it.

“Yamaguchi.”

His eyes widened as he snapped out of his thoughts. “Yes, Tsukki?”

“Yachi and I are going to a party in Tokyo tonight. You wanna come?” He adjusted his glasses, only to close his book.  _ Me and Earl and the Dying Girl.  _ Kind of fitting, now that he thought about it. Once again, Tsukishima gathered Yamaguchi’s attention. “Do you wanna come?”

“What kind of party is it?”

“Sex party.” 

“Like an orgy?”

“No. Like a sex party.” Sex parties were pretty popular in Tokyo at the moment. They usually took place in abandoned buildings, accompanied by drugs and loud music. Lots of people attended to get their virginities taken. Some even went to begin their careers in the sex industry to make lots of cash. Others went for the drugs and drinking. Sex for them was the side dish. His friend probably wanted to have sex with his girlfriend for the first time. 

Most likely, Yamaguchi would be there for moral support. But that didn’t mean that he wasn’t curious. 

“Tokyo’s really far away. Like, 5 hours.” 

“Don’t worry. I’m driving.” 

After 5 hours of third-wheeling, the trio made it to the sex party. Yamaguchi didn’t know what to expect. Maybe a love hotel room? But instead, he got an abandoned factory with party lights and loud music coming from it. Even from the outside, couples of all types fucked and did drugs of all kinds. Yachi held her boyfriend’s arm.

“I’m nervous, Kei,” she mumbled, looking up at him.

“Don’t be. I’m right here.”

_ It must be nice to be a girl, _ Yamaguchi thought to himself. A clear container of colorful pills interrupted his jealousy. Examining them closely, pink hearts scattered the drug.

“It’s an aphrodisiac!” Tsukishima yelled over the music.

“What’s that?” he replied, sticking it in his mouth. Without a second thought, he downed a shot conveniently placed next to the container. 

“It makes you horny!” 

“It makes you what-”

“IT MAKES YOU HORNY!”

“That’s funny, I feel-” Hot. He felt hot. His body trembled under the drug’s effects, allowing it to dominate his senses. His hearing became muffled and smell stronger. The scent of sweat was attractive. It made him feel alive, and every hair on his body stood on its ends. His heartbeat pounded in his ears, and even the feeling of him biting on his own bottom lip was almost too much to bear. Yachi had left Tsukishima’s vicinity.  _ Something about...lines in the bathroom? There was a bathroom? Of course there was a bathroom, people had to fuck somewhere else! _

Yamaguchi trudged over to Tsukishima. The blonde observed everyone else fucking, grinding their bodies against one another. He began to unbutton his own shirt, only for the other male to hold his wrist. If those clothes came off, he knew he couldn’t stop himself. 

“How do you feel?” Tsukishima yelled over the music again.

“I feel great!” he replied, cupping his mouth. His body temperature rose. “You should try one!”

He held out the pill in his palm, only to drop it into his mouth. Sticking out his pink tongue, he pulled his best friend in for a kiss, their tongues twisting and turning and rubbing at all the right places. His hands ran down his back, gently squeezing at his side. Tsukishima let out a satisfied hum in response. In a sex party, everyone wanted to fuck everybody. These two were no different. Their hard-ons pressed against each other as Yamaguchi sucked on his partner’s tongue, softly pulling at his hair. A string of saliva connected the two of them when they pulled away. What a sight. 

Yachi came back with more pills and mysterious drinks with mysterious powders on top of them. They sat on the surface, slowly dissolving like some sort of sugar. Yamaguchi watched as the two of them walked into the crowd, most likely to fuck each other. But he didn’t seem to mind, considering how the rest of the night was a blur. 


	4. dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end. isn't it sad?

Piles of bodies drenched in sweat made this abandoned factory warm. Sunshine peeked through the broken windows. Some reflected shards of broken glass onto Yamaguchi’s face. His pupils adjusted, and he finally took the time to realize that he’d had a headache from all of those drugs. His gaze wandered. People still slept. Their bodies became masses piled on top of each other like sickening double-decker sandwiches. Their bodies were cum-covered, his own not being an exception.

As he separated his fingers, that familiar viscous fluid slid down his fingers before becoming nothing but nonsensical, dust-covered glop. He cringed at the sight, and even more so the smell. Salty. He stumbled. Something leaked out of his asshole. The only thing he could do was sigh and shake his head. Some first time that was. 

After putting on some clothes that seemed to fit him, Yamaguchi made his way out of what was last night’s party. In the morning, the plant was nothing more but a shelter for the homeless. Tsukishima and Yachi seemed to have left, from the looks of it. They probably went to a love hotel in their high and drunken stupor. Maybe he should contact them? 

“Ah. My phone,” he mumbled, patting down some jacket that wasn’t even his. His eyes stared at the factory that grew further and further with each step. For whatever reason, it didn’t seem to matter to him that much anymore. All he wanted was to feel that tongue in his mouth again. He craved the friction between their groins. Warmth. To have that pill in his mouth again, to have it dissolve on both of their tongues again. But that was something he’d never have. Yachi would have it, though. God truly had favorites. Yamaguchi was never one of them. Never would be one of them. 

It took 2 hours to return to his apartment. Rent was due, something he forgot about. “Fuck,” he grumbled as he lit a cigarette. Nicotine always cleared his thoughts, even if smoke blurred his vision. “Fucking sex party,” he rambled while tearing through his wallet, “Damn.” In front of him laid a few crumpled bills and lint. A moment of panic set in. “Let’s see how much I have to my name...30,000 yen. With this...I should be able to make rent this month. Although I don’t know what I’ll do with food,” he mumbled. Stealing became a viable option. A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. 

“Yamaguchi?”

“Tsukki. What’re you doing here?”

“You weren’t answering your phone, so I decided to see if you got home.” His eyes drooped in insincerity. Tsukishima, despite all of his efforts, could be read. 

“That’s really nice of you-” Yamaguchi replied, only to be interrupted once again. 

“It wasn’t my idea, just so you know. It was Yachi’s. You should be thanking her,” he stated. His head peered into what Yamaguchi called his home. One large room with a bed in the corner, a table in the other and a fridge in the back cost him 33,000 yen a month. The blonde didn’t even want to think about what the bathroom looked like. But now they were close. Their noses were touching, a tension so great that sweat dribbled down Yamaguchi’s forehead. 

“I’m okay. You can go on with your day. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Tsukishima took a step forward, causing the other to take a step back.The sight was similar to a fucked up tango, except there wasn’t any music. 

“How much of last night do you remember?” A hint of sadism gleamed against his glasses. 

“Not much.” He shrunk against the wall.

“Why so small, Yamaguchi? You couldn’t remember us kissing and rubbing our private parts together?”

“N-Not really, no.”

“Look at me, you big pervert.” He grabbed at his cheeks, almost jerking his head towards him. Once more, he cowered before the taller male. He feigned a smile, almost wriggling out of his iron grip. 

“I’m not really sure what you’re trying to get at here, if I’ll be honest.”

Tsukishima yanked the words right out of his mouth. His pink fleshy muscle pushed right into Yamaguchi’s mouth. Licking. Sucking. Running along his teeth, his gums. Even down his throat. His poor uvula was drenched in drool that wasn’t his. He stared upwards, eyes wide, but nothing came out. Wasn’t this what he wanted in the first place? Someone was sitting on his chest. No, he was just panicking. Tsukki walked in so suddenly, he had him in his arms this quickly.  _ Not to mention, he had a girlfriend _ .

“What’s wrong? Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“N-Not really. Aren’t you dating Yachi?” He cracked at his knuckles before lacing his fingers together. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his attempt to cure himself of his dry mouth.

“I am, I guess. We’re what you call an ‘open relationship’.”

“I see.”

“She doesn’t know that though. What, why are you looking at me like that? People do this stuff all the time. Don’t act like you’re better than me. I’m not the one with a dirty crush on my best friend.”

_ You’re dead to me. In that very moment, I realized you were an awful human being. Yachi wasn’t such a lucky girl after all.  _

“I don’t think it’s best that we talk anymore.” Sure, he was hurt. But he didn’t bear the thought of Yachi being hurt. He never condoned cheating. What happened last night was an accident. It’d never happen again. 

“Why not? Is it because I’m not gay like you?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Are you just mad that I won’t date you?”

“Who said I was mad?”

Everything’s blurry from there. But one thing he would never forget: he hit his dear Tsukki. Knocked those stupid glasses off of his face, made them crack. They hadn’t spoken since.

Yamaguchi rubbed at his stubble in thought. He sat in his apartment, the lights flickering. Right. He had an electric bill to pay. He’d spent his money on prostitutes and escorts to give him false promises and fake love for the night. Then, he woke up alone every time. The bed was cold. The mattress wrinkled, but all evidence of a human ever by his side disappeared. So he supposed this was why he was writing a eulogy. 

A eulogy for someone still alive. But dead to him. That’s what he was writing. Or maybe it was a letter of consolidation? Who could tell? Once again, he crumpled it up with all of the others. When would he realize? Tsukki was never a good person. He wasn’t a good person to consolidate with; there wasn’t anything to be sorry for.

His thoughts drifted. He’d heard through the grapevine that Tsukishima had just become a father. Sometime ago, him and Yachi had gotten married. Was he still cheating? Doing drugs? Going to those stupid sex parties? Were they even in love? God, what was he still doing in the past? 

He sunk into his mattress.

Tsukishima was right.

“Stupid mud boy,” he muttered to himself. And once again, he opened his phone.

_ E U L O G Y:  _


End file.
